Pain, Pain & More Terrible Pain

Oh my God, I am at wits' ends I tell you.

Just a few days ago, I could not even get to sleep for two whole nights because of the pain.

I did have a few random episodes some time last year but I don't remember them to be as unbearable as this time.

It's not helping too, that one of the graft wounds on my calf is not healing properly. In fact, I think it is infected because the surrounding area of the wound has reddened, and it feels warm to the touch, and since I came back from a day at the beach yesterday - I've been writhing in pain, shooting pain that comes every few seconds on the wound site.

It started with pus oozing out about a month ago and I went to the polyclinic to have it looked and they said it did not look too bad, and thus gave me a week's course of antibiotics (Amoxicillin 500mg twice a day) and then it seemed to clear up after a while but now, for some reason, it came back again.

I am suspecting my circulation is still not that good. That explains why the other graft wounds have healed nicely but the last one on the calf has not, because it is further down, far from where my heart is pumping blood.

I have another appointment at the polyclicnic tomorrow afternoon, and I suspect they will have me go to the A&E department asap, and I am kind of praying for that so that I can be warded and have this wound healed in a better environment, in the hospital. Maybe should ask the doctor about HBOT (Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HBOT). Shall remind myself to do that.

Anyway, back to the issue of unbearable pain - it is basically neuropathic pain due to my diabetes. The nerves are basically damaged due to prolonged periods of uncontrolled, high blood sugar, over a period of time. So, for my case, I have had this unfortunate condition for about 20 years now, since I was 13, and there were times in my life when I neglected my health totally, for some reason, and now I am paying the price.

The neuropathic pain that I am experiencing is not totally excruciating but it's painful enough to prevent me from sleeping altogether. The worst thing is that it seems to occur in random places in my feet and hands. The other day, I could not sleep for two days when the pain started to attack my left foot, coming in short bursts every three or four seconds, continuously. Can you imagine the torture of non-stop pain that you can do little about, in the middle of the night, over a weekend? Nothing helped. I took my regular Tramadol, and Paracetemol but there wasn't any relief at all. 

I was basically in tears.

Then yesterday, my hands started to get affected, and I had to massage my hands throughout the whole journey in the car, when we were on our way to the beach.

It's hard when you can tell people you are in pain but there is no visual indication to accompany your suffering. My hands and feet look fine. So, although you wished people understand your pain, you can't do anything when there are no lesions or cuts or whatever. For me, I don't really expect people to understand what I am going through because there is no way in hell they can unless they go through the same exact thing that I do, and feel the same exact pain that I am feeling, but I do wish that sometimes people can emphatize. =(

In fact, I worry a lot constantly. Although generally, I tend to be positive and try to always see things on the bright side, I really can't help worry about my own future, honestly.

People have always seen me as smiling and laughing, and generally enjoying life but I attribute that as a defense mechanism that I have developed, to give a false impression that everything's normal and that I am a normal, average Joe. More than a few people were very surprised when I told them the whole story of what I am going through now, and what I have gone through since I was barely a teenager.

And I worry about being worried, because it adds to the stress, and stress is definitely NOT GOOD for diabetics, and heart disease patients. Already I am undergoing lots of stress trying to manage the pain, going through a regimented life to keep myself alive, losing some sleep constantly, and suffering side-effects from the current arsenal of medicine that I have to consume a few times a day, most probably for life.

Couple that with having to constantly remind myself about my diet, my need for exercise, my need to work to pay for all these specialist consultations and expensive medicine and medical tests - oh my... 

Oh my...

The only thing that works to help alleviate the pain a bit now is to keep myself occupied - be it playing Operation 7 on the net, or walking about, or cooking and cleaning, or attending to the two stoopid cats. When your brain is occupied with an activity, the pain seems to be much more bearable, almost negligible, like background noise. Something that you know is there but doesn't really bother you if you don't let it.

Well, I console myself constantly by telling myself that the best way is to know what is happening, find out what you can do about it, and arm yourself with all the knowledge you can get about what you are going through, and what possibly awaits, if I don't take care of myself.

Afterall, they say prevention is better than cure.

So, I will do my very best to prevent more complications from this unfortunate condition that I have to bear for life.

So yes, I'll just grin and bear the pain for now, though I hope I can get some relief in the future, like Neurontin (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurontin) or something.

=)

A Life Less Ordinary

That's my right hand when they first opened the bandage up for cleaning, after I had to go for a debridement due to an infection I got from having an IV drip plug.

Cool right? I could see right through my skin and down to the cartilage.

Hahahaha!!!

Now, I've a got a 3 inch centipede looking scar on that hand and some loss of sensation on my ring finger.

Damn!

Anyway, it's 8 days to D day.

No, I am not talking about the US presidential election (according to SNL, Obama will win definitely) but my triple CABG lah! Kekeke...

According to Wikipedia -

Coronary artery bypass surgery, also coronary artery bypass graft surgery, and colloquially heart bypass or bypass surgery is a surgical procedure performed to relieve angina and reduce the risk of death from coronary artery disease. Arteries or veins from elsewhere in the patient's body are grafted to the coronary arteries to bypass atherosclerotic narrowings and improve the blood supply to the coronary circulation supplying the myocardium (heart muscle). This surgery is usually performed with the heart stopped, necessitating the usage of cardiopulmonary bypass; techniques are available to perform CABG on a beating heart, so-called "off-pump" surgery.

Triple Cabbage
Huh? Bypass?! What happened? I thought only old people have to go for bypass?

SHHH!!! You ignorant people! Go and take a number and join the line! I'll answer you when it's your turn. Hehehe..

There are still many, MANY people who have very simplistic views about A LOT of things, so it's forgivable. =P

Well, I too once blamed my poor father for my poor health, asking why I inherited a defective gene and all that.

BUT I have learnt, that a lot of times, people with Type I Diabetes may get it due to a multitude of reasons.

My best guess is -

1) I was predisposed to it genetically

2) I was an overweight child and

3) I must have been exposed to some bacteria or virus that made my immune system attack various cells in my body, including insulin-producing cells.

A Turning Point
I can still remember vividly, when I was barely in my pre-teens, a blockheaded 13 year old still reveling in street soccer and hanging out with the boys. I didn't care about studying, managed to scrape through PSLE with a pathetic 226 average, and struggling through Secondary 2 (or was it Sec 1?)

Suddenly, I was losing weight rapidly (more than 20 kg I remember), not eating lunch at the school canteen, was constantly craving for fruits and ice-cream (basically sweet stuff), urinating frequently, and falling asleep as soon as I reached home from school.

Then my father got worried and brought me to SGH (I think) and the doctors said if I was brought in two days later, it'd have 2 days been too late.

??!!!!

ps Do you know that there so thousands of children, some as young as TWO, in the world who have Type I diabetes and have to be injected with insulin everyday like I do?

Moving On
Sometimes it is sad to know that people are not really educated about their own-selves, their own bodies, their own existences.

It's sadder to know that people continue to live in ignorance though.

I must admit, that the human body is an extremely complex mechanism, a design of mind-boggling physical and mental structure. A human organism is very advanced indeed.

The human adult alone has about 10 trillion cells in its body.

It's really tough to also know that diabetes, particularly Type I diabetes, has a lot of complications accompanying it, more so if it's poorly controlled.

All these complications arise from events that happen at the cellular level, a lot of it hard to control because you don't even know what's going on. Some complications only show symptoms when a particular organ is down to its last 40% in function, like kidney disease.

I mean, if you don't study medicine, how would you know these kind of things?! =(

So, a lot of people rely on hearsay, from the mouths of equally-blissfully ignorant people, and form dangerously simplistic ideas about life, and its dramatic tragedies.

THANK GOD FOR THE INTERNET..

... and Wikipedia, of course! =)

Well, even the doctors can be wrong sometimes. I was initially diagnosed as having Type II diabetes and was given metformin, but I guess they performed some albumin or C-peptide test and subsequently I was put on an insulin regime.

I Will Prevail
Well, I am coping better with the thought of having to undergo 6 hours of an open heart operation, thanks to all my wonderful friends and family who have assured me that everything's going to be all right.

I know I am still extremely worried about my current stage of CKD (Chronic Kidney Disease). It is currently Stage III, as in borderline kidney function. Read more about the renal function here...

I am definitely NOT looking forward to having to go for a dialysis of some sort maybe 3 years down the road.

Contrary to popular belief, a kidney transplant is not really the way to go either.

You'll have a really hard time with your immune system trying to fight and reject the new organs, anti-rejection drugs will cause you to fall sick more often and more easily and you have to take these blardy expensive drugs for the rest of your life, and a typical lifespan of a transplanted kidney is said to be 5 years.

Right now, the kidneys don't feel too good. In fact, I have been worried since the renal doctors ordered a coronary angiogram to find out why my heart ECHO shows only 25% LEVF function. In fact, the latest creatinine level in my body was an alarming 267 μmol/L (110 is the normal level for a healthy adult male), after the angiogram. I hope my kidneys don't give out soon. The contrast agent (iodine in this case) used in angiograms have a high risk of rendering the kidneys totally non-functional, and permanently. =(

Well, yes I know the only way to go is to have a positive and healthy mind, to go on a strict diet of healthy food and to exercise but I am currently finding it extremely hard to balance a positive mindset while knowing all these facts about my conditions.

And I still have to contend with people blaming government bodies and pharmaceutical companies teaming up to bleed money, huge amounts of money from the sick public, and rejecting new applications for new studies into new therapies that may hinder these corporations from making more and more money! Gosh! Read more about this here..

Ok, ok, everybody dies. That I know.

The thing is, I am not afraid of dying.

If I die, I will no longer have to bear all this pain and worry and mental stress, and I will know for sure if Elvis is dead or still alive somewhere out there in Vegas and performing to unsuspecting audiences. Hahahahaha!!!

But it will be really nice to still continue to live, be with friends, share my experience, be a living example to many people, while hopefully be in better health that now.

With new and promising experimental treatments on the horizon, like the Islet Cell Transplantation, I really hope to contribute to society by taking part in these clinical trials, all in the hope of cure and prevention of diseases in the human race.

So, there.. I am not in a quest for immortality but it'd be really nice to live long enough to travel and see more of our beautiful earth, meet more nice people (not only pretty girls ok) and make new friends.

Sure I wont be able to eat as much wonderful food but life will be too irresistible for me to compromise for just food!

=)