I Can't Believe I Am Actually Entertaining Thoughts Of It

In a futile attempt last night to reset my body clock and sleep early, I ended up with only 3 hours of sleep. It was an epic fail, to say the least.

Man, that sounds especially fatalistic (not even sure if this is the correct word) to someone who's usually optimistic like me.

I couldn't sleep the whole night, no matter what I did, and finally settled down roughly at 7.30am after an hour of music and an hour of computer gaming (yes, I actually ran out of ideas). I thought music could calm me down and gaming would wear me out but I think I slept due to the fact I've been sleeping at roughly 6am for the past few days. It was just my circadian rhythm. It was late by one and a half hours today due to the brain stimulation due to the music and gaming.

So, I should be sleeping right now you say?

That's what I thought too but nooooo.... pain in my legs had to wake me up at 10.30am just now and it's the darn neuropathic pain again, the sort of pain which will go on like forever, attacking a particular, random area, coming every few seconds. No matter what I do, there's no way I can close my eyes and drift to sleep when this kind of pain comes.

So here I am, typing this stupid entry (I will go back to editing Jacqueline's wedding photographs after this) because it is of the rare times I feel defeated and wishing for all this to end.

Yes, I was actually entertaining thoughts of suicide the past hour.

=(