Man, that sounds especially fatalistic (not even sure if this is the correct word) to someone who's usually optimistic like me.
I couldn't sleep the whole night, no matter what I did, and finally settled down roughly at 7.30am after an hour of music and an hour of computer gaming (yes, I actually ran out of ideas). I thought music could calm me down and gaming would wear me out but I think I slept due to the fact I've been sleeping at roughly 6am for the past few days. It was just my circadian rhythm. It was late by one and a half hours today due to the brain stimulation due to the music and gaming.
So, I should be sleeping right now you say?
That's what I thought too but nooooo.... pain in my legs had to wake me up at 10.30am just now and it's the darn neuropathic pain again, the sort of pain which will go on like forever, attacking a particular, random area, coming every few seconds. No matter what I do, there's no way I can close my eyes and drift to sleep when this kind of pain comes.
So here I am, typing this stupid entry (I will go back to editing Jacqueline's wedding photographs after this) because it is of the rare times I feel defeated and wishing for all this to end.
Yes, I was actually entertaining thoughts of suicide the past hour.
=(
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2 comments:
Pls dont give up. I know it is difficult for anyone to empathise unless they are experiencing the pain you are, but believe me, I've entertained suicidal thoughts for a long time now & it's no fun. What's worse is I believe it actually makes your physiology worse than it should be.
Keep hoping, is all I can say. Keep the hope that you will find something to relieve the pain, and perhaps step by step, something that will make your living and sleeping hours manageable. I had many points wanted to give up fighting my allergic conjunctivitis, cos I kept screwing up jobs cos of that, but by God's grace I found strategies to manage and better the condition. So I found hope, and behind it, I found ways to make things better. I pray that for u too!
Thanks, Louisa. =)
I guess there are some times when you can't help but feel defeated but thank God for me, it is quite rare that I feel like this.
The pain is not that excruciating but it is debilitating because I am losing sleep and I can't do work at at all due to that, and it affects everything ie. my sleep, my meal timings, my medicine timings, my appointments etc.
Basically, my life as a whole.
And I hate it because I still have to work to survive and pay for everything and it sucks to have to explain to clients and friends who are trying to help me by giving me small jobs here and there. It really sucks.
Anyway, thanks again for your prayers and words of kindness and I will pray for you too, to be in better health.
Don't worry, I feel much better today.
=)
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