Just a few days ago, I could not even get to sleep for two whole nights because of the pain.
I did have a few random episodes some time last year but I don't remember them to be as unbearable as this time.
It's not helping too, that one of the graft wounds on my calf is not healing properly. In fact, I think it is infected because the surrounding area of the wound has reddened, and it feels warm to the touch, and since I came back from a day at the beach yesterday - I've been writhing in pain, shooting pain that comes every few seconds on the wound site.
It started with pus oozing out about a month ago and I went to the polyclinic to have it looked and they said it did not look too bad, and thus gave me a week's course of antibiotics (Amoxicillin 500mg twice a day) and then it seemed to clear up after a while but now, for some reason, it came back again.
I am suspecting my circulation is still not that good. That explains why the other graft wounds have healed nicely but the last one on the calf has not, because it is further down, far from where my heart is pumping blood.
I have another appointment at the polyclicnic tomorrow afternoon, and I suspect they will have me go to the A&E department asap, and I am kind of praying for that so that I can be warded and have this wound healed in a better environment, in the hospital. Maybe should ask the doctor about HBOT (Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HBOT). Shall remind myself to do that.
Anyway, back to the issue of unbearable pain - it is basically neuropathic pain due to my diabetes. The nerves are basically damaged due to prolonged periods of uncontrolled, high blood sugar, over a period of time. So, for my case, I have had this unfortunate condition for about 20 years now, since I was 13, and there were times in my life when I neglected my health totally, for some reason, and now I am paying the price.
The neuropathic pain that I am experiencing is not totally excruciating but it's painful enough to prevent me from sleeping altogether. The worst thing is that it seems to occur in random places in my feet and hands. The other day, I could not sleep for two days when the pain started to attack my left foot, coming in short bursts every three or four seconds, continuously. Can you imagine the torture of non-stop pain that you can do little about, in the middle of the night, over a weekend? Nothing helped. I took my regular Tramadol, and Paracetemol but there wasn't any relief at all.
I was basically in tears.
Then yesterday, my hands started to get affected, and I had to massage my hands throughout the whole journey in the car, when we were on our way to the beach.
It's hard when you can tell people you are in pain but there is no visual indication to accompany your suffering. My hands and feet look fine. So, although you wished people understand your pain, you can't do anything when there are no lesions or cuts or whatever. For me, I don't really expect people to understand what I am going through because there is no way in hell they can unless they go through the same exact thing that I do, and feel the same exact pain that I am feeling, but I do wish that sometimes people can emphatize. =(
In fact, I worry a lot constantly. Although generally, I tend to be positive and try to always see things on the bright side, I really can't help worry about my own future, honestly.
People have always seen me as smiling and laughing, and generally enjoying life but I attribute that as a defense mechanism that I have developed, to give a false impression that everything's normal and that I am a normal, average Joe. More than a few people were very surprised when I told them the whole story of what I am going through now, and what I have gone through since I was barely a teenager.
And I worry about being worried, because it adds to the stress, and stress is definitely NOT GOOD for diabetics, and heart disease patients. Already I am undergoing lots of stress trying to manage the pain, going through a regimented life to keep myself alive, losing some sleep constantly, and suffering side-effects from the current arsenal of medicine that I have to consume a few times a day, most probably for life.
Couple that with having to constantly remind myself about my diet, my need for exercise, my need to work to pay for all these specialist consultations and expensive medicine and medical tests - oh my...
Oh my...
The only thing that works to help alleviate the pain a bit now is to keep myself occupied - be it playing Operation 7 on the net, or walking about, or cooking and cleaning, or attending to the two stoopid cats. When your brain is occupied with an activity, the pain seems to be much more bearable, almost negligible, like background noise. Something that you know is there but doesn't really bother you if you don't let it.
Well, I console myself constantly by telling myself that the best way is to know what is happening, find out what you can do about it, and arm yourself with all the knowledge you can get about what you are going through, and what possibly awaits, if I don't take care of myself.
Afterall, they say prevention is better than cure.
So, I will do my very best to prevent more complications from this unfortunate condition that I have to bear for life.
So yes, I'll just grin and bear the pain for now, though I hope I can get some relief in the future, like Neurontin (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurontin) or something.
=)
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